And so – I’m married!

You know, I heard it all. I heard you don’t eat a lot the day of. I heard it goes by faster than a blink. I heard you remember some of it, and then slowly the rest comes back, such as a distant dream. And I heard that your wedding day is absolutely amazing. And you know what?

It’s all true.

If I could go back and change anything from that day, I wouldn’t alter a thing. Everything was just…perfect. And we’re just so happy.

I’ll write more on it later, as there’s so much to say. But for now – just know…it may be scary, it may be stressful, and it may be overwhelming. But a wedding – and even more, a marriage – is totally worth it.

I had another near-freakout today, only rather than labels, this time it was over money. When I learned that my hair/makeup person would be, roughly, eleven thousand billion trillion dollars (more or less), I panicked knowing full-well that I couldn’t afford it. But, before I let it consume me, I figured out ways to fix the problem. Rather than having her travel to my house, I’ll go to her. I’ll cut services. It’ll be okay.

That problem was avoidable.

But then there are other problems, ones that can’t be fixed by a simple phone call and schedule change.

The lady who altered my wedding dress is a friend of my mom’s. She hemmed my dress, took in the top (because, let’s be honest, I’m quite flat in that area), and created the bustle. She also altered my mom’s dress, took in my dad’s suit, and even shined Samir’s shoes. She charged us…absolutely nothing. NOTHING. Of course, I had to do something, so I ended up paying her a very minimal amount (compared to how much everything would have cost had it not been her doing it.) She had to keep her shop open, after all; she had to pay her assistant.

Of course, she refused the money, wanting to do everything for me as a gift. After much debate, we decided to give the money to her assistant, who did a lot of the sewing. A tip, if you will.

A few years ago, much like my mother, her assistant had breast cancer. She’s fine now, but since all of the treatment is so expensive, she hasn’t been able to go back for a check up. She can’t afford it. So we gave her the money, with strict instructions on what she’s to do with it. She started crying. My mom started crying. I started crying. It felt so good to be able to help this woman.

It was an emotional mess. But a good one, for once.

Her problem? Unavoidable. Medical issues happen; they happened to my mom, who was quite healthy prior. So compared to that, hair and makeup seems just so…trivial and it’s nice to remember what…and who…really matters most.

I had my first bridal meltdown this past weekend. I mean, full screaming and crying flip out. And if you know me, you know that’s not in my nature. It was so bad that my mom had to remove me from the kitchen, where a guy was fixing their china cabinet. I’m pretty sure he called his boss moments after to ensure he’d never be assigned our house again.

For the past few weeks, my mom has been on me about making labels for our wedding favors. Apparently the favors, which are chocolate covered Oreos, need labels because our guests might not know who’s wedding they’re at. I kept putting it off, because I’d only found really horrid looking/expensive labels at Michael’s and Jo-Anne’s. But she remained persistent in her reminding me, as if it wasn’t clearly stated already on my to-do list.

Apparently my trigger word is labels, because when she said it again, after I dropped off our programs at her house, I. Just. Lost it.

Now, it could have been because I was on around five hours of sleep. I hadn’t been sleeping, because every night around 4 I’d wake up and think. I hate thinking sometimes. I’d make the list of things I’d need to do the following day. I’d fret that I’d forget the list. So, then, I’d get up and write out the list – just in case. All of the stressing, fretting, and writing would keep me up for a good few hours, so I wouldn’t’ fall back asleep until around 6:30, only to wake up at 7.

This has been constant.

So with little sleep, and a head full of things to do, I let out a mixture of screams and sobs and it was entirely embarrassing. I don’t think my mom knew what to do, other than escort me away from the stranger, who was giving me the oddest look.

I finally calmed down, and organized my thoughts. I dived up responsibilities a bit more; I really couldn’t handle everything. I’ve always been like that, though; I don’t like to burden others. If anything goes wrong, I’d rather blame myself. Plus, if I do everything, I know how and when it’ll be done. So I let her take care of folding/tying the programs, and gave the escort cards to my bridesmaid Shannon because she has much better handwriting than me. I’m learning to let go, and that’s okay I think. I can’t do everything.

I told Samir my story as soon as he got home on Sunday from his bachelor party. I think I freaked him out a bit.

Who knew planning a wedding would be this…emotional!?

—

P.S. I finished the labels last night. They’re fabulous.

The wedding is officially 15 days away. Crazy, right? I feel like my engagement party was just yesterday. And now, in 15 days, I’m going to be MARRIED. A Mrs. A new last name holder.

Weird.

After writing my previous post, I had a few great responses via e-mail. I learned that it’s very rare to hear a bride admit she’s nervous (and not just about the cake falling apart). Brides are supposed to be happy and excited; the groom is supposed to be crazed and frightened.

I hate “supposed to be.” There shouldn’t be any “supposed to be”s. Let’s be as we want.

So, I did some research. When people asked if I was excited about the “big day,” I answered honestly: “Yes, very, but I’m also really nervous.” This solicited two answers:

a) Don’t worry, S won’t leave you at the altar.
c) Don’t worry, everything will look beautiful, and it’ll go perfectly.

Not one answer addressed what I was really feeling. It’s as if the thought of being scared about “happily ever after” is foreign. I know S won’t stand me up, I’ve never been worried about that. And honestly, at this point I don’t care if everything looks beautiful or not – I’m just excited for the day. BUT – that doesn’t stop me from being nervous about being married. (As a note, I’m not anymore, I’m perfectly fine. Woo!)

So then I looked over all of my bridal books and magazines and found…absolutely nothing. Everything is about planning for the day. Nothing addressed suppressed fears that may bubble up. You’re supposed to feel secure, excited, happy.

In fact, I found one article that listed the 10 most important things on your wedding day. Number one was feeling beautiful. Number eight was being in love. (Priorities!) None were feeling confident the marriage will last! (Which makes me wonder if the magazine thinks the wedding is more important than the marriage. That’s…sad. It’s just a party after all.)

That said, I want to write something that will address these fears. These thoughts that are never addressed or nullified because everyone’s so preoccupied with the day. Since the wedding IS 15 days away, I don’t have time to write a full well researched article at the moment, but I DO have time to compile my own “Hey, it’s okay” post. (And, yes, I’m blatantly ripping the title off Glamour magazine. Thanks, Glamour!)

So, from funny to serious, here’s my take on getting married – not just planning a wedding.

Hey, It’s Okay…

• If you start to find every guy who passes attractive, only because you realize you’ll never be able to have anything more than a friendship with them.
• If part of you is upset that you’ll never be able to marry Leonardo DiCaprio/Brad Pitt/Jake Gyllenhaal. (JG-I’m still unmarried for 15 days…so….if you’re free…)
• If you consider keeping your last name, if only because it makes you feel more like…you.
• If you couldn’t care less about specifics of the wedding. (Such as if the napkins match the programs and the flowers. Who remembers these things anyway?)
• If you start to wonder what all of your ex’s are up to. And how they’ll react to your engagement. (And, okay, if they’ll make one last dying proclamation of their love, even if you really don’t like them at all.)
• If the fact that you’ll never have another first kiss again scares you.
• To be more excited (or nervous about) about the marriage than the wedding.
• To be frightened of “’til death do you part.”

In the end, I think it’s really important to address these fears early. Admit you’re scared (if you are). Tell the groom. Talk about it. It’ll all be fine in the end, you just need to let yourself be fine first.